today........

i never thought i could feel like this. actually feel something other than the three dominant emotions that have ruled in me for so long. i knew i did once. but it's been so long i was afraid they were buried too deep to find.

pain, anger, bitterness. not a complicated process mind you. the pain is unbearable so cover it with anger. being angry for so long only caused it to grow into bitterness. after a while, it was "just pass pain go directly to anger, do not collect hope". my own vicious cycle.

of course i felt love, i love my children more than my own life. everything became about protecting them and giving them stability in a volatile home. i love my family, they are my foundation. i love god, he is my rock and my savior. i loved James, he was everything i thought i ever wanted. and i wanted him more than anything ever.

but then i couldn't even feel love for him anymore.

with the separation came the hope that i would heal. bring together all of the fragments that are me. especially my emotions. but it did not occur to me that these things take time. the 20 year journey to get to this point was not going to be unwound in a year. okay we gained some ground here, now i was impatient. progress? maybe!

but this week has brought a breakthrough of sorts. i have been overwhelmed by a rush of hope, peace, joy, strength and low and behold i realized an amazing thing! i feel content. i feel happy. they aren't dead and gone! can the healing really be taking place? my emotions live and so do i, even if just for today........