dear god
why is it no matter what i do, what i think, i still come back around to crying over him? what is it about my character that causes me to hold on? i ache to understand why.
my brain understands the truth about him, about what we didn't have together, what time was wasted thinking life with him would ever be different. but my heart, now that's another battle. my heart cries to hold him again, to taste his kiss, to hold his hand, to hear his truck pull up in the driveway.
my mind remembers the destruction, the heartache, the tears. my heart remembers the destruction of our marriage, the heartache i feel knowing he is with another woman, the tears that flow endlessly. or so it seems.
i am afraid that i will never be able to let go. i ask you over and over again to help me forget, to help me to heal, but i know that all things come in your time, not mine. i don't want to be jealous of Her, she didn't take him away from me, i disposed of him by way of restraining order.
lord, i know that he and i should have never been. i wanted him, begged you for him. and i got him. i take full responsibility for the repercussions of my actions. i know that you are not punishing me, but hey, can we at least discuss the "i never give you more than you can handle" thing...i must boldly and loudly protest, i think you have crossed my line of too much!
if i am honest with you, he held a higher place in my life sometimes than you did. but you already knew that. life revolved around him, now it revolves around you helping me forget him! well, hey god, i am trying!
and while we're having this little heart to heart, i have to tell you that menopause, it sucks! i do believe that to a large degree the emotional havoc of this womanly state causes me to cry more, hurt more, be crazy in the head and heart more than i would be if i still had my estrogen.
but seriously god, i really need your help in letting go. forgiving him and forgiving myself. when all is said and done, i know you want the best for me and for my life. i am thankful that you protect me from myself and from my own weaknesses. i know that one day i will understand what you were doing through this period of my life.
and if not for the past 22 years, i would not be writing this blog right now. and who knows, maybe my pain, my experiences, my journey, my doubts, my fears, my tears...will be used to touch the life of someone who is just like me. and that makes it all worth it. so i guess god, i wouldn't have it any other way except yours........thank you for that.
Showing posts with label heartache. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartache. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
march 3, 1998
the sound of silence fills the house as you sleep your sleep of escape. i am left alone with my screaming thoughts as they pierce the peace i so desperately seek. it eludes me now as the fear overtakes it and i find no solace in the quiet of being.
tidal waves of emotions crash upon my rocky soul; guilt, pain, shame, anger, disgust and hate, all tangled together until i no longer can separate them into distinct entities. no longer do they battle for dominance, they have danced this dance all to often. it is easier to meld into one twisted web that rules my heart.
i can feel the numbness cover me like a security blanket, protecting the frailty i carry within. i keep it in a secret place locked away where "I" still exist. it can easily be destroyed if the facade were to drop, even for an instant.
if you only knew how effortlessly you could penetrate the barricade that weakens and crumbles each time i am struck with the blare of rage from your eyes, the daggers from your mouth and the atomic destruction your hands facilitate.
nothing is sacred, nothing spared from the war that rages in you, through you, spilled out from you. i look for cover and find safety any place you are not. i must swallow my pride and cower at your feet begging mercy and leniency to end the rage for now.
i replay the scene over and over again to find where i went off course, where i disobeyed the order given, thereby setting off the short fuse that always seems to smolder. just waiting for a few drops of fuel to set it off. any trickle of humanness that flows from me is the combustible tonic that sparks the explosion.
no place is safe from you. no situation exempt. all that matters is the excuse for the tirade, always the fault of someone else. i pray to God to strike you dead, to make you suffer as you have caused our suffering, sweet justice for a lifetime of ugly pain you've dispensed on your children and me. but that would be wrong. justice is not for me dictate or to demand.
one day you will look for the comfort that i give and it will not be found. your self-destruction will have mushroomed out one time to many. a chill runs through my soul as i live for, yet dread that day. the day we are no longer together........
tidal waves of emotions crash upon my rocky soul; guilt, pain, shame, anger, disgust and hate, all tangled together until i no longer can separate them into distinct entities. no longer do they battle for dominance, they have danced this dance all to often. it is easier to meld into one twisted web that rules my heart.
i can feel the numbness cover me like a security blanket, protecting the frailty i carry within. i keep it in a secret place locked away where "I" still exist. it can easily be destroyed if the facade were to drop, even for an instant.
if you only knew how effortlessly you could penetrate the barricade that weakens and crumbles each time i am struck with the blare of rage from your eyes, the daggers from your mouth and the atomic destruction your hands facilitate.
nothing is sacred, nothing spared from the war that rages in you, through you, spilled out from you. i look for cover and find safety any place you are not. i must swallow my pride and cower at your feet begging mercy and leniency to end the rage for now.
i replay the scene over and over again to find where i went off course, where i disobeyed the order given, thereby setting off the short fuse that always seems to smolder. just waiting for a few drops of fuel to set it off. any trickle of humanness that flows from me is the combustible tonic that sparks the explosion.
no place is safe from you. no situation exempt. all that matters is the excuse for the tirade, always the fault of someone else. i pray to God to strike you dead, to make you suffer as you have caused our suffering, sweet justice for a lifetime of ugly pain you've dispensed on your children and me. but that would be wrong. justice is not for me dictate or to demand.
one day you will look for the comfort that i give and it will not be found. your self-destruction will have mushroomed out one time to many. a chill runs through my soul as i live for, yet dread that day. the day we are no longer together........
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
July 27, 2004
i am trying to find a reason to salvage my marriage. after 14 years i am trying to figure out what contributions, sacrifices, what part you play in this family other than bringing home a paycheck. let's see-you dictate how and what we can watch on tv, how loud we can be, where we are and aren't allowed to sit and we are expected to make you happy all the while pretending we actually like doing it.
you have no desire to comprehend the family bills or to make sure you do whatever it takes to get them paid. you want cable, computers, videos etc. regardless of what we don't pay to have them. you have given to me and the children things we won't ever loose, like scares and pain we never deserved. numerous items have been destroyed that can never be replaced and memories that we wish we could.
i can't even say you've showered any of us with love and affection because you are not capable of loving anyone, not even yourself. you are very good at satisfying your own selfish needs and wants while we are left unfulfilled. our children needed a father and all they've gotten is a person who wants them out of his way and quiet so he can hear the tv, play his video games or sleep.
i have to muster up all that i can to try and feel anything for you other than disgust. i believed in you, i saw all that you were capable of becoming, but as i grew i realized that you did not see or feel these things for yourself. all you can do is stay stagnant in the place you have been since your teen years. you fail to grow because you fail to be accountable for yourself or your actions. excuses, excuses, excuses!
i have grown tired of your violent, hateful, controlling, temper tantrums. i am done with this marriage and i am done with you-it is just a matter of time. no more chances, they are all long gone and one day i will be too.
you have no desire to comprehend the family bills or to make sure you do whatever it takes to get them paid. you want cable, computers, videos etc. regardless of what we don't pay to have them. you have given to me and the children things we won't ever loose, like scares and pain we never deserved. numerous items have been destroyed that can never be replaced and memories that we wish we could.
i can't even say you've showered any of us with love and affection because you are not capable of loving anyone, not even yourself. you are very good at satisfying your own selfish needs and wants while we are left unfulfilled. our children needed a father and all they've gotten is a person who wants them out of his way and quiet so he can hear the tv, play his video games or sleep.
i have to muster up all that i can to try and feel anything for you other than disgust. i believed in you, i saw all that you were capable of becoming, but as i grew i realized that you did not see or feel these things for yourself. all you can do is stay stagnant in the place you have been since your teen years. you fail to grow because you fail to be accountable for yourself or your actions. excuses, excuses, excuses!
i have grown tired of your violent, hateful, controlling, temper tantrums. i am done with this marriage and i am done with you-it is just a matter of time. no more chances, they are all long gone and one day i will be too.
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