catalyst

As October comes to a close, I want to share the close tie my breast cancer and freedom from my relationship have. It was 6 years ago this past March that I was diagnosed. It was detected very early and I already had made my decision as to how to proceed. April was the mastectomy and that August was some reconstruction. Not only had my physical body been altered, but so had my state of mind.


I always believed (and still do!) that everything happens for a reason, even if we never have a clue, so I was sure that having cancer was not just a random event in my life. I initially thought that it would change my husband; he would appreciate me enough to finally change those behaviors that were so damaging to us all, and especially him. I had it all played out in my mind, right down to the “happily ever after”. Boy, was I surprised when I realized that it was to change me and that my “happily ever after” ending would come, but not in any way, shape or form as I had imagined it would.

I value life and the days we are given. Cancer made it very clear to me that EVERY day is a gift, every healthy day an even bigger one. When all my treatments were completed and the dust settled, I knew that I could not live my life any longer the way it was, that violence and survival were no longer options. I wanted to enjoy whatever time I was given and LIVE. I wanted to feel again, and I did not want to be hurt or killed at the hand of someone I was married to. I made it clear to him that violence was no longer a tolerable option, and as long as there wasn’t any, I was content to stay.

It took me 2 years after that and several violent episodes, including one right after my mastectomy, to leave and leave for good. It was harder living with him than it was having breast cancer. Every time I say or write that, I cannot help but shake my head. My reformed thinking head that is! I say this with entire peace and sanity, I am so glad I had breast cancer! It forever changed my body, my mind and most of all my life. As I write this, I can say that so far the positive changes outweigh the negative ones.

We fear change, especially the life altering kind of change. But sometimes change is overdo, and needs a kick start. Change can come as a result of the strangest things, and we can never really know what will be a catalyst……

just a season away........

october is a great month for me, my birthday, breast cancer awareness month AND domestic violence awareness month. since my birthday has come and gone, i am excited to say that a lot of the pain of my old life has gone as well. the time for action has arrived. it's time to take my experiences, my skills, my dreams and my goals, roll them up into a game plan and get on with it! i have always believed that what i have gone through can be used to help others who are living with violence. i have been given much, and must now give much back.

i no longer consider myself a survivor, i am living life. i wake up in the morning knowing that the day belongs to me and i can handle whatever comes my way. i am blessed beyond words. i no longer have that wrenching pain, and i no longer cry for what wasn't. my life is what it is, and it is good. i have family and friends whom i love dearly and who love and support me. i have my health, shelter, food, clothing and a job. i have clarity in knowing what is right for me, and what i will never settle for again. i have faith in god who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, protected me all those years and released me when it was time.

the anger is gone as well. anger at myself for staying as long as i did and for subjecting my children to things i wish they never seen or heard. anger at him for not changing and for moving on with someone else. in it's place is peace. probably for the first time ever in my life i can say i am truly happy. yes, i have the day to day struggles, fears and worries that everyone has, but compared to what i have lived with in the past, this is so much easier. i am so proud of myself for making it to this point, it's almost 4 years already. i don't look back anymore in sadness, i just look back to remeber where i've come from so that i don't retrace those paths ever again.

now i want to reach out to those who hurt, who feel that they can never have a new life. those who live daily in fear, with a knot in their gut wondering is an explosion coming today. i want them to know that it isn't easy, but a new life is definitely attainable. there is help out there. you are not alone. it is scary to reach out for help, scary to change your life, scary to try and figure out what to do next....functioning in a dysfunctional relationship becomes what we know. living in fear of violence is much harder than living with the fear of the unknown.......you just need to take that first step. before you know it your running in a new direction.

i love october, many good things happen in this month. i love the fall and it's smells. the earth prepares for winter sleep and springs new birth. as the leaves fall and die, i am reminded that old lives can die too and that new ones are just a season away.

march 3, 1998

the sound of silence fills the house as you sleep your sleep of escape. i am left alone with my screaming thoughts as they pierce the peace i so desperately seek. it eludes me now as the fear overtakes it and i find no solace in the quiet of being.

tidal waves of emotions crash upon my rocky soul; guilt, pain, shame, anger, disgust and hate, all tangled together until i no longer can separate them into distinct entities. no longer do they battle for dominance, they have danced this dance all to often. it is easier to meld into one twisted web that rules my heart.

i can feel the numbness cover me like a security blanket, protecting the frailty i carry within. i keep it in a secret place locked away where "I" still exist. it can easily be destroyed if the facade were to drop, even for an instant.

if you only knew how effortlessly you could penetrate the barricade that weakens and crumbles each time i am struck with the blare of rage from your eyes, the daggers from your mouth and the atomic destruction your hands facilitate.

nothing is sacred, nothing spared from the war that rages in you, through you, spilled out from you. i look for cover and find safety any place you are not. i must swallow my pride and cower at your feet begging mercy and leniency to end the rage for now.

i replay the scene over and over again to find where i went off course, where i disobeyed the order given, thereby setting off the short fuse that always seems to smolder. just waiting for a few drops of fuel to set it off. any trickle of humanness that flows from me is the combustible tonic that sparks the explosion.

no place is safe from you. no situation exempt. all that matters is the excuse for the tirade, always the fault of someone else. i pray to God to strike you dead, to make you suffer as you have caused our suffering, sweet justice for a lifetime of ugly pain you've dispensed on your children and me. but that would be wrong. justice is not for me dictate or to demand.

one day you will look for the comfort that i give and it will not be found. your self-destruction will have mushroomed out one time to many. a chill runs through my soul as i live for, yet dread that day. the day we are no longer together........

July 27, 2004

i am trying to find a reason to salvage my marriage. after 14 years i am trying to figure out what contributions, sacrifices, what part you play in this family other than bringing home a paycheck. let's see-you dictate how and what we can watch on tv, how loud we can be, where we are and aren't allowed to sit and we are expected to make you happy all the while pretending we actually like doing it.

you have no desire to comprehend the family bills or to make sure you do whatever it takes to get them paid. you want cable, computers, videos etc. regardless of what we don't pay to have them. you have given to me and the children things we won't ever loose, like scares and pain we never deserved. numerous items have been destroyed that can never be replaced and memories that we wish we could.

i can't even say you've showered any of us with love and affection because you are not capable of loving anyone, not even yourself. you are very good at satisfying your own selfish needs and wants while we are left unfulfilled. our children needed a father and all they've gotten is a person who wants them out of his way and quiet so he can hear the tv, play his video games or sleep.

i have to muster up all that i can to try and feel anything for you other than disgust. i believed in you, i saw all that you were capable of becoming, but as i grew i realized that you did not see or feel these things for yourself. all you can do is stay stagnant in the place you have been since your teen years. you fail to grow because you fail to be accountable for yourself or your actions. excuses, excuses, excuses!

i have grown tired of your violent, hateful, controlling, temper tantrums. i am done with this marriage and i am done with you-it is just a matter of time. no more chances, they are all long gone and one day i will be too.

August 6, 2005

what is normal? what is love? what is life? what happens when dysfunction is the norm, hate masks as love and death imitates life?

most days i think that my "life" "love" and "normalcy" are what i have created them to be. they are the self made fantasy in my mind to keep me sane. what is real is that i am still here. what is normal is that i don't want to be.

i want so badly to feel love and to be loved, but i hate him. hate the distance between us. hate the violence he denies exists.

white picket fences and a lush green lawn are not what i craved, but family dinners and laughter, cuddles on the couch after the kids had gone to bed. what i got instead are the vivid pictures of your face in mine with that shark eyed look as you proceed to scream at me how you are going to hurt me. could you feel the fear seething out of my pores?

i feel so much just lingers beneath the surface of my contempt and loathing. there are times i just want to reach out and hold you, but i remember past rejections and don't. i remember all the names you've called me. all the ways you've hurt me.


i yearn for us to have a "good" life, but you don't believe you deserve anything that is "good". i can almost feel the battle within you rage-until it reaches your surface and then is evident for all to see in the wake of destruction you leave.

July 25, 2002

i am violated by your violence.
i choke on your wrath that i am forced to swallow.
my nostrils are filled with the stench of your weakness.
my soul is pierced by the bitterness you thrust at me, over and over again.
i will no longer allow this ritualistic rape of my emotions to be my destruction for i have let them die.
the shell i have become moves amongst the living but does not join them.
it hurts too much.

July 2001

it would be so easy to be like him. to allow myself to be controlled by the anger, allow it to become bitterness and finally to succumb to the banal rage of all that i loathe.

anger is safe, it protects from the pain. the pain is unbearable. daily i must seek out the feelings that make me human. i desperately cling to words, colors, phrases, songs that allow me to feel the things that i once felt. to just feel something other than anger. to feel me.

but who am i?

January 11, 1998

dear James:
i wish i could make you feel the intense, overbearing, crushing sense of pressure i feel everyday. i am like a rat scurrying around to make sure that everything is as perfect as i can make it. the impending explosion is building and nothing i do stops it from coming.

i pray, i try to be "happy" all the time, keep the kids quiet and out of the way, keep the house clean, prepare an acceptable dinner and yet it is never enough to stop the rampage from coming. i guess it's hard for me to face the fact that it's not my problem nor my fault. there needs to be accountability for these actions, a reason, so i will take that on.

then afterwards, i must pick up the pieces and trudge forward. this is the most draining on me. my emotional healing process is slower and slower after each "episode". a piece of me dies every single time and re-grouping more difficult. except by the grace of god am i able to function.

there is no one to talk to about what i think, what i feel, what i am going through except flo. but even this is not enough to heal anymore. i feel a festering emptiness that i cannot fill, a wound that just won't scab. and yet i must smile and go on. always i must go on. i cry in private and do the best i can to live everyday. i have children that need to be cared for. i look to see the good in what i have, but only find a miserable existence.

i feel so alone.
terri