catalyst

As October comes to a close, I want to share the close tie my breast cancer and freedom from my relationship have. It was 6 years ago this past March that I was diagnosed. It was detected very early and I already had made my decision as to how to proceed. April was the mastectomy and that August was some reconstruction. Not only had my physical body been altered, but so had my state of mind.


I always believed (and still do!) that everything happens for a reason, even if we never have a clue, so I was sure that having cancer was not just a random event in my life. I initially thought that it would change my husband; he would appreciate me enough to finally change those behaviors that were so damaging to us all, and especially him. I had it all played out in my mind, right down to the “happily ever after”. Boy, was I surprised when I realized that it was to change me and that my “happily ever after” ending would come, but not in any way, shape or form as I had imagined it would.

I value life and the days we are given. Cancer made it very clear to me that EVERY day is a gift, every healthy day an even bigger one. When all my treatments were completed and the dust settled, I knew that I could not live my life any longer the way it was, that violence and survival were no longer options. I wanted to enjoy whatever time I was given and LIVE. I wanted to feel again, and I did not want to be hurt or killed at the hand of someone I was married to. I made it clear to him that violence was no longer a tolerable option, and as long as there wasn’t any, I was content to stay.

It took me 2 years after that and several violent episodes, including one right after my mastectomy, to leave and leave for good. It was harder living with him than it was having breast cancer. Every time I say or write that, I cannot help but shake my head. My reformed thinking head that is! I say this with entire peace and sanity, I am so glad I had breast cancer! It forever changed my body, my mind and most of all my life. As I write this, I can say that so far the positive changes outweigh the negative ones.

We fear change, especially the life altering kind of change. But sometimes change is overdo, and needs a kick start. Change can come as a result of the strangest things, and we can never really know what will be a catalyst……

just a season away........

october is a great month for me, my birthday, breast cancer awareness month AND domestic violence awareness month. since my birthday has come and gone, i am excited to say that a lot of the pain of my old life has gone as well. the time for action has arrived. it's time to take my experiences, my skills, my dreams and my goals, roll them up into a game plan and get on with it! i have always believed that what i have gone through can be used to help others who are living with violence. i have been given much, and must now give much back.

i no longer consider myself a survivor, i am living life. i wake up in the morning knowing that the day belongs to me and i can handle whatever comes my way. i am blessed beyond words. i no longer have that wrenching pain, and i no longer cry for what wasn't. my life is what it is, and it is good. i have family and friends whom i love dearly and who love and support me. i have my health, shelter, food, clothing and a job. i have clarity in knowing what is right for me, and what i will never settle for again. i have faith in god who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, protected me all those years and released me when it was time.

the anger is gone as well. anger at myself for staying as long as i did and for subjecting my children to things i wish they never seen or heard. anger at him for not changing and for moving on with someone else. in it's place is peace. probably for the first time ever in my life i can say i am truly happy. yes, i have the day to day struggles, fears and worries that everyone has, but compared to what i have lived with in the past, this is so much easier. i am so proud of myself for making it to this point, it's almost 4 years already. i don't look back anymore in sadness, i just look back to remeber where i've come from so that i don't retrace those paths ever again.

now i want to reach out to those who hurt, who feel that they can never have a new life. those who live daily in fear, with a knot in their gut wondering is an explosion coming today. i want them to know that it isn't easy, but a new life is definitely attainable. there is help out there. you are not alone. it is scary to reach out for help, scary to change your life, scary to try and figure out what to do next....functioning in a dysfunctional relationship becomes what we know. living in fear of violence is much harder than living with the fear of the unknown.......you just need to take that first step. before you know it your running in a new direction.

i love october, many good things happen in this month. i love the fall and it's smells. the earth prepares for winter sleep and springs new birth. as the leaves fall and die, i am reminded that old lives can die too and that new ones are just a season away.

apologies.....

i haven't written much in april and for those of you who follow this blog i want to say i am sorry. i started portrait of abuse to reach out to and for those who are hurting as a result of domestic violence. it is my hope in sharing my life, i will be able to encourage others.

i am no longer living with my abuser, but that does not mean my pain or my struggles came to an immediate end. but i have to confess, i had expected them to. i am not sure why, but i felt that i should have been over my life with him as soon as we no longer lived under the same roof.

at times the emotional pain would be excruciating and i thought i wanted to crawl in a deep, dark hole and die. what emotional pain you ask? oddly enough, the "pain" of not being with him! crazy i know! my head is able to comprehend every character trait he possesses that is reason enough to not be with him, not counting his alcoholism nor his abuse. but what the hell is wrong with my heart!

it's not like we even had a good relationship in between all of the crap! we didn't share anything, not even a bed for 6 years. he wanted us to be quiet, leave him alone but make him feel loved. he wanted his tv, computer and naps. he couldn't help around the house, but could go to his jujitsu classes and wrestle with men for hours!

there were days i would beg God to take the pain away, or fix the problems of him and our marriage so we could get back together and live happily ever after! and i hung on. and i stayed angry. and i harbored jealousy. and i fed my dysfunction. and i played the martyr.

He was with someone. He broke our marriage bond. He hurt our family. He, He, He. i was still giving him the power over my life and my emotions.

until friday. I finally did the thing I was dreading the most. I called Ocean/Monmouth Legal Services to set up an appointment with one of the attorneys to begin divorce proceedings! and all of a sudden I felt the strangest sensation. I felt happy. I felt hopeful. I was excited for what My future will bring without any ties, legal or otherwise to him.

the way I felt was different than the other times I thought I had finally gotten "over" him. it was like something inside of Me finally SNAPPED! I reached the point of letting go. I finally get it! what the hell does he have that I could possibly want or miss. i wouldn't pick someone like him to date ever!

it was as easy as that. I decided to finally give it ALL over to God and trust Him for whatever He has in store for My life. from here on in it can only get better and better. in letting go of the life I so wanted, I have freed myself to accept the life that is waiting for Me. and that life can and will exceed any expectations I could possibly have. for Me, the key is to allow God to bring Me to it and through it.

so does this mean I will never again feel pain, loss, or have thoughts of him. absolutely not! but it does mean that I will no longer be lost in them or controlled by them. the healing process will continue. and so will I. it is so true that unless you allow one door to close, the next will not open. I am so ready to see what is waiting for Me, hand on the knob, here I go............