just a season away........

october is a great month for me, my birthday, breast cancer awareness month AND domestic violence awareness month. since my birthday has come and gone, i am excited to say that a lot of the pain of my old life has gone as well. the time for action has arrived. it's time to take my experiences, my skills, my dreams and my goals, roll them up into a game plan and get on with it! i have always believed that what i have gone through can be used to help others who are living with violence. i have been given much, and must now give much back.

i no longer consider myself a survivor, i am living life. i wake up in the morning knowing that the day belongs to me and i can handle whatever comes my way. i am blessed beyond words. i no longer have that wrenching pain, and i no longer cry for what wasn't. my life is what it is, and it is good. i have family and friends whom i love dearly and who love and support me. i have my health, shelter, food, clothing and a job. i have clarity in knowing what is right for me, and what i will never settle for again. i have faith in god who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, protected me all those years and released me when it was time.

the anger is gone as well. anger at myself for staying as long as i did and for subjecting my children to things i wish they never seen or heard. anger at him for not changing and for moving on with someone else. in it's place is peace. probably for the first time ever in my life i can say i am truly happy. yes, i have the day to day struggles, fears and worries that everyone has, but compared to what i have lived with in the past, this is so much easier. i am so proud of myself for making it to this point, it's almost 4 years already. i don't look back anymore in sadness, i just look back to remeber where i've come from so that i don't retrace those paths ever again.

now i want to reach out to those who hurt, who feel that they can never have a new life. those who live daily in fear, with a knot in their gut wondering is an explosion coming today. i want them to know that it isn't easy, but a new life is definitely attainable. there is help out there. you are not alone. it is scary to reach out for help, scary to change your life, scary to try and figure out what to do next....functioning in a dysfunctional relationship becomes what we know. living in fear of violence is much harder than living with the fear of the unknown.......you just need to take that first step. before you know it your running in a new direction.

i love october, many good things happen in this month. i love the fall and it's smells. the earth prepares for winter sleep and springs new birth. as the leaves fall and die, i am reminded that old lives can die too and that new ones are just a season away.

passage.....

if someone would have told me that when i finally left him i would struggle with my feelings for him, i would have laughed in their face! when i was with him i hated him and wanted my freedom. no, not all the time. not even most of the time, especially in the early years. but the last six years we were together were the most difficult.

if i want to be fair, he probably couldn't stand being with me as much as i couldn't stand being with him. i was not a very nice person after a while. while i do not blame myself for his volatile and violent outbursts, i take full responsibility for the times i fed his cycle of violence.

i am sorry for the times i made him feel less than a man. i am certain that without my verbal commentary on the matter, this was something he already struggled with. i am aware of the abuses and pains he was dealt as a child. the lack of validation from his father. his father an alcoholic and his mother cheated. thus the beginnings of his demons.

if not for my faith, i would have handled my life with him in a very different manner. i craved his attention, used to beg him for it. it would have been easy to seek out the same consolation that his mother did were it not for the moral code i chose to live by.

time after time i would beg god to help me love him, soften my heart to his pain and struggles. and he would. i wanted james to know that i saw the good that he could be, not just the ugliness. my heart used to hurt for him. if nothing else, i can say that i loved him and always will.

i know i said i hated him, but that was just my pain talking. when i am removed from that pain i am forced to remember the things that were good. the things that made me laugh, made me want to be with him. it is so true when they say you always want what you can't have.

however, it is no longer about what i can't have, it is about safety. i can see the truths, i can see the pains, i can see the goodness, i can see and understand the demons, i can see my part in the cycles, BUT, i cannot make him see or deal with anything he chooses not to. and no matter how much i beg god to "fix it", he has given us free will to choose to be "fixed".

it has not been easy leaving. not for the obvious reasons like finances, but for the emotional ones. the scars may run deep, but my love for him ran deep as well. i took him back so many times because i beleived he would, believed he wanted to change. but i cannot hold on to that any longer.

for too long i lived in the dream of what i wanted our marriage to be and now i must let all that go. now i must forge a life without him. whatever my future holds, it will no longer hold him. i am still dealing with feelings of anger, jealousy and pain. when they seek to drag me down into my ugliness, i take a moment to pray for him and the woman he lives with.

the time has come for me to end this chapter, once and for all, and begin writing the new one. in letting go of my old life, my hands become free to embrace my new life. and part of that life is sharing my story, and me, to others who are hurting and struggling.

this blog will be filled with my past, but only as a tool for the task i feel has been laid out before me. it will also be filled with my present and my future. life is good, and today i am at peace. today i see that it is time to take that passage....

last breath

if i were to take
my last breath
tonight
what have i done
with all the others-
have they given
me strength
shared love
caused pain-
how many breaths
were the cause
of another's tears, fears
did more comfort the
days of those around
me
did i squander them
on harsh words
unfinished sentences
full of unspoken feelings-
if i were to take my
last breath tonight
were all of the other
breaths worth it?