apologies.....

i haven't written much in april and for those of you who follow this blog i want to say i am sorry. i started portrait of abuse to reach out to and for those who are hurting as a result of domestic violence. it is my hope in sharing my life, i will be able to encourage others.

i am no longer living with my abuser, but that does not mean my pain or my struggles came to an immediate end. but i have to confess, i had expected them to. i am not sure why, but i felt that i should have been over my life with him as soon as we no longer lived under the same roof.

at times the emotional pain would be excruciating and i thought i wanted to crawl in a deep, dark hole and die. what emotional pain you ask? oddly enough, the "pain" of not being with him! crazy i know! my head is able to comprehend every character trait he possesses that is reason enough to not be with him, not counting his alcoholism nor his abuse. but what the hell is wrong with my heart!

it's not like we even had a good relationship in between all of the crap! we didn't share anything, not even a bed for 6 years. he wanted us to be quiet, leave him alone but make him feel loved. he wanted his tv, computer and naps. he couldn't help around the house, but could go to his jujitsu classes and wrestle with men for hours!

there were days i would beg God to take the pain away, or fix the problems of him and our marriage so we could get back together and live happily ever after! and i hung on. and i stayed angry. and i harbored jealousy. and i fed my dysfunction. and i played the martyr.

He was with someone. He broke our marriage bond. He hurt our family. He, He, He. i was still giving him the power over my life and my emotions.

until friday. I finally did the thing I was dreading the most. I called Ocean/Monmouth Legal Services to set up an appointment with one of the attorneys to begin divorce proceedings! and all of a sudden I felt the strangest sensation. I felt happy. I felt hopeful. I was excited for what My future will bring without any ties, legal or otherwise to him.

the way I felt was different than the other times I thought I had finally gotten "over" him. it was like something inside of Me finally SNAPPED! I reached the point of letting go. I finally get it! what the hell does he have that I could possibly want or miss. i wouldn't pick someone like him to date ever!

it was as easy as that. I decided to finally give it ALL over to God and trust Him for whatever He has in store for My life. from here on in it can only get better and better. in letting go of the life I so wanted, I have freed myself to accept the life that is waiting for Me. and that life can and will exceed any expectations I could possibly have. for Me, the key is to allow God to bring Me to it and through it.

so does this mean I will never again feel pain, loss, or have thoughts of him. absolutely not! but it does mean that I will no longer be lost in them or controlled by them. the healing process will continue. and so will I. it is so true that unless you allow one door to close, the next will not open. I am so ready to see what is waiting for Me, hand on the knob, here I go............