passage.....

if someone would have told me that when i finally left him i would struggle with my feelings for him, i would have laughed in their face! when i was with him i hated him and wanted my freedom. no, not all the time. not even most of the time, especially in the early years. but the last six years we were together were the most difficult.

if i want to be fair, he probably couldn't stand being with me as much as i couldn't stand being with him. i was not a very nice person after a while. while i do not blame myself for his volatile and violent outbursts, i take full responsibility for the times i fed his cycle of violence.

i am sorry for the times i made him feel less than a man. i am certain that without my verbal commentary on the matter, this was something he already struggled with. i am aware of the abuses and pains he was dealt as a child. the lack of validation from his father. his father an alcoholic and his mother cheated. thus the beginnings of his demons.

if not for my faith, i would have handled my life with him in a very different manner. i craved his attention, used to beg him for it. it would have been easy to seek out the same consolation that his mother did were it not for the moral code i chose to live by.

time after time i would beg god to help me love him, soften my heart to his pain and struggles. and he would. i wanted james to know that i saw the good that he could be, not just the ugliness. my heart used to hurt for him. if nothing else, i can say that i loved him and always will.

i know i said i hated him, but that was just my pain talking. when i am removed from that pain i am forced to remember the things that were good. the things that made me laugh, made me want to be with him. it is so true when they say you always want what you can't have.

however, it is no longer about what i can't have, it is about safety. i can see the truths, i can see the pains, i can see the goodness, i can see and understand the demons, i can see my part in the cycles, BUT, i cannot make him see or deal with anything he chooses not to. and no matter how much i beg god to "fix it", he has given us free will to choose to be "fixed".

it has not been easy leaving. not for the obvious reasons like finances, but for the emotional ones. the scars may run deep, but my love for him ran deep as well. i took him back so many times because i beleived he would, believed he wanted to change. but i cannot hold on to that any longer.

for too long i lived in the dream of what i wanted our marriage to be and now i must let all that go. now i must forge a life without him. whatever my future holds, it will no longer hold him. i am still dealing with feelings of anger, jealousy and pain. when they seek to drag me down into my ugliness, i take a moment to pray for him and the woman he lives with.

the time has come for me to end this chapter, once and for all, and begin writing the new one. in letting go of my old life, my hands become free to embrace my new life. and part of that life is sharing my story, and me, to others who are hurting and struggling.

this blog will be filled with my past, but only as a tool for the task i feel has been laid out before me. it will also be filled with my present and my future. life is good, and today i am at peace. today i see that it is time to take that passage....

who i am........

yes, i am a survivor, that goes without saying. breast cancer AND domestic violence. what's really weird, is that dealing with breast cancer was so much easier than dealing with my marriage. i can honestly say that the disruption cancer has caused me can't begin to compare to the absolute chaos caused by living in a violent relationship.

i am mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. i take all of these titles seriously. i carry the burdens of my friends because i love them. my children are a blessing from God. i am grounded in life because of my parents. i am never alone because of those who call me sister. i am surrounded by the youthful energy of my nieces and my nephews. what more could a person ask for?

i am a complex creature full of idiosyncrasies and paradoxes. i embrace all of the parts of me and am in the process of pulling them back together. it is exciting to find those areas that have been buried for so long. buried for too long. i travel the path less taken and make no apologies for doing so. i am conservative and yet love to embrace my non-compliant side!

i am a person of faith who believes in a savior who loved me enough to give his life for mine. oh yeah, did i mention i am NOT politically correct? i don't consider myself to be religious at all, but my life is structured around a belief system that will never be shaken by the complications of daily living. it is the opposite i find to be true, the complications of my life have strengthened my belief system.

i could go on and on......but then what would i blog about! as this blog progresses, so will i. and in time we will all know more about who i am........

July 27, 2004

i am trying to find a reason to salvage my marriage. after 14 years i am trying to figure out what contributions, sacrifices, what part you play in this family other than bringing home a paycheck. let's see-you dictate how and what we can watch on tv, how loud we can be, where we are and aren't allowed to sit and we are expected to make you happy all the while pretending we actually like doing it.

you have no desire to comprehend the family bills or to make sure you do whatever it takes to get them paid. you want cable, computers, videos etc. regardless of what we don't pay to have them. you have given to me and the children things we won't ever loose, like scares and pain we never deserved. numerous items have been destroyed that can never be replaced and memories that we wish we could.

i can't even say you've showered any of us with love and affection because you are not capable of loving anyone, not even yourself. you are very good at satisfying your own selfish needs and wants while we are left unfulfilled. our children needed a father and all they've gotten is a person who wants them out of his way and quiet so he can hear the tv, play his video games or sleep.

i have to muster up all that i can to try and feel anything for you other than disgust. i believed in you, i saw all that you were capable of becoming, but as i grew i realized that you did not see or feel these things for yourself. all you can do is stay stagnant in the place you have been since your teen years. you fail to grow because you fail to be accountable for yourself or your actions. excuses, excuses, excuses!

i have grown tired of your violent, hateful, controlling, temper tantrums. i am done with this marriage and i am done with you-it is just a matter of time. no more chances, they are all long gone and one day i will be too.

August 6, 2005

what is normal? what is love? what is life? what happens when dysfunction is the norm, hate masks as love and death imitates life?

most days i think that my "life" "love" and "normalcy" are what i have created them to be. they are the self made fantasy in my mind to keep me sane. what is real is that i am still here. what is normal is that i don't want to be.

i want so badly to feel love and to be loved, but i hate him. hate the distance between us. hate the violence he denies exists.

white picket fences and a lush green lawn are not what i craved, but family dinners and laughter, cuddles on the couch after the kids had gone to bed. what i got instead are the vivid pictures of your face in mine with that shark eyed look as you proceed to scream at me how you are going to hurt me. could you feel the fear seething out of my pores?

i feel so much just lingers beneath the surface of my contempt and loathing. there are times i just want to reach out and hold you, but i remember past rejections and don't. i remember all the names you've called me. all the ways you've hurt me.


i yearn for us to have a "good" life, but you don't believe you deserve anything that is "good". i can almost feel the battle within you rage-until it reaches your surface and then is evident for all to see in the wake of destruction you leave.

today........

i never thought i could feel like this. actually feel something other than the three dominant emotions that have ruled in me for so long. i knew i did once. but it's been so long i was afraid they were buried too deep to find.

pain, anger, bitterness. not a complicated process mind you. the pain is unbearable so cover it with anger. being angry for so long only caused it to grow into bitterness. after a while, it was "just pass pain go directly to anger, do not collect hope". my own vicious cycle.

of course i felt love, i love my children more than my own life. everything became about protecting them and giving them stability in a volatile home. i love my family, they are my foundation. i love god, he is my rock and my savior. i loved James, he was everything i thought i ever wanted. and i wanted him more than anything ever.

but then i couldn't even feel love for him anymore.

with the separation came the hope that i would heal. bring together all of the fragments that are me. especially my emotions. but it did not occur to me that these things take time. the 20 year journey to get to this point was not going to be unwound in a year. okay we gained some ground here, now i was impatient. progress? maybe!

but this week has brought a breakthrough of sorts. i have been overwhelmed by a rush of hope, peace, joy, strength and low and behold i realized an amazing thing! i feel content. i feel happy. they aren't dead and gone! can the healing really be taking place? my emotions live and so do i, even if just for today........

July 25, 2002

i am violated by your violence.
i choke on your wrath that i am forced to swallow.
my nostrils are filled with the stench of your weakness.
my soul is pierced by the bitterness you thrust at me, over and over again.
i will no longer allow this ritualistic rape of my emotions to be my destruction for i have let them die.
the shell i have become moves amongst the living but does not join them.
it hurts too much.

initiation

my initiation into the world of domestic violence occured 20 years ago. i can still see the chaos as if it happened only yesterday. but then again, it's only been a year and 3 months since the last eyewitness to a breaking spree that was of course, my fault. one restraining order later, and i will not be the cause of them anymore.

the tile was cool against my body. the kitchen floor became my best friend that night offering it's unfailing support. it cradled me in my fetal position, while all i could do was sob and cry as if a death had occurred. and it did. that was the first time a piece of me died.

how do you pick up a refrigerator that is lying on its side? i had no idea. but i tried. and tried. to this day i can't remember how the damn thing ended upright again. and where were the black garbage bags? every room in the house had been hit. i just wanted to get it all cleaned up and back to normal.

glass, clothes, overturned beds, broken dresser drawers, collectibles from shelves, shelves, pictures. the mess seemed endless and i wasn't sure i had enough of the leaf size bags to contain it all. and where was he? oh yeah, a bar somewhere calling and telling me he was going to **** a woman. i cried and begged him to come home.

of course he came home, drunk. by then life had been set back to a pre-damage state. but was it really? maybe for him, but i will bear the imprints of his carnage for the rest of my life. he just wanted to sleep. and don't i know if i just left him alone and shut my mouth i wouldn't have pushed him to do it. i hurt his feelings. sorry....

last breath

if i were to take
my last breath
tonight
what have i done
with all the others-
have they given
me strength
shared love
caused pain-
how many breaths
were the cause
of another's tears, fears
did more comfort the
days of those around
me
did i squander them
on harsh words
unfinished sentences
full of unspoken feelings-
if i were to take my
last breath tonight
were all of the other
breaths worth it?

July 2001

it would be so easy to be like him. to allow myself to be controlled by the anger, allow it to become bitterness and finally to succumb to the banal rage of all that i loathe.

anger is safe, it protects from the pain. the pain is unbearable. daily i must seek out the feelings that make me human. i desperately cling to words, colors, phrases, songs that allow me to feel the things that i once felt. to just feel something other than anger. to feel me.

but who am i?

January 11, 1998

dear James:
i wish i could make you feel the intense, overbearing, crushing sense of pressure i feel everyday. i am like a rat scurrying around to make sure that everything is as perfect as i can make it. the impending explosion is building and nothing i do stops it from coming.

i pray, i try to be "happy" all the time, keep the kids quiet and out of the way, keep the house clean, prepare an acceptable dinner and yet it is never enough to stop the rampage from coming. i guess it's hard for me to face the fact that it's not my problem nor my fault. there needs to be accountability for these actions, a reason, so i will take that on.

then afterwards, i must pick up the pieces and trudge forward. this is the most draining on me. my emotional healing process is slower and slower after each "episode". a piece of me dies every single time and re-grouping more difficult. except by the grace of god am i able to function.

there is no one to talk to about what i think, what i feel, what i am going through except flo. but even this is not enough to heal anymore. i feel a festering emptiness that i cannot fill, a wound that just won't scab. and yet i must smile and go on. always i must go on. i cry in private and do the best i can to live everyday. i have children that need to be cared for. i look to see the good in what i have, but only find a miserable existence.

i feel so alone.
terri