dear James:
i wish i could make you feel the intense, overbearing, crushing sense of pressure i feel everyday. i am like a rat scurrying around to make sure that everything is as perfect as i can make it. the impending explosion is building and nothing i do stops it from coming.
i pray, i try to be "happy" all the time, keep the kids quiet and out of the way, keep the house clean, prepare an acceptable dinner and yet it is never enough to stop the rampage from coming. i guess it's hard for me to face the fact that it's not my problem nor my fault. there needs to be accountability for these actions, a reason, so i will take that on.
then afterwards, i must pick up the pieces and trudge forward. this is the most draining on me. my emotional healing process is slower and slower after each "episode". a piece of me dies every single time and re-grouping more difficult. except by the grace of god am i able to function.
there is no one to talk to about what i think, what i feel, what i am going through except flo. but even this is not enough to heal anymore. i feel a festering emptiness that i cannot fill, a wound that just won't scab. and yet i must smile and go on. always i must go on. i cry in private and do the best i can to live everyday. i have children that need to be cared for. i look to see the good in what i have, but only find a miserable existence.
i feel so alone.
terri
i wish i could make you feel the intense, overbearing, crushing sense of pressure i feel everyday. i am like a rat scurrying around to make sure that everything is as perfect as i can make it. the impending explosion is building and nothing i do stops it from coming.
i pray, i try to be "happy" all the time, keep the kids quiet and out of the way, keep the house clean, prepare an acceptable dinner and yet it is never enough to stop the rampage from coming. i guess it's hard for me to face the fact that it's not my problem nor my fault. there needs to be accountability for these actions, a reason, so i will take that on.
then afterwards, i must pick up the pieces and trudge forward. this is the most draining on me. my emotional healing process is slower and slower after each "episode". a piece of me dies every single time and re-grouping more difficult. except by the grace of god am i able to function.
there is no one to talk to about what i think, what i feel, what i am going through except flo. but even this is not enough to heal anymore. i feel a festering emptiness that i cannot fill, a wound that just won't scab. and yet i must smile and go on. always i must go on. i cry in private and do the best i can to live everyday. i have children that need to be cared for. i look to see the good in what i have, but only find a miserable existence.
i feel so alone.
terri
No comments:
Post a Comment