rejected

"Spend time with
me"
she begs
every shred
of self-respect
gone,
grovels at
his feet
he calls
the shots
and makes her stay
there on
her knees
a little more
while his
ego swells
and he
decides that
today she is
not worthy
of his sacred
conversation
so he walks
away
laughing inside
“What a fool
she is.”
so she crawls
her retreat
to the bedroom
sanctuary
to lick her
wounds
and pretend
she doesn’t
care.

this tantrum again

you seethe trouble like sweat
suck me in until
I am screaming hurt
see you erupt
messup
smash and throw
it out of you
I face the madness
shake it away
swear and cry
never again…..

april 16, 2009

dear god
why is it no matter what i do, what i think, i still come back around to crying over him? what is it about my character that causes me to hold on? i ache to understand why.

my brain understands the truth about him, about what we didn't have together, what time was wasted thinking life with him would ever be different. but my heart, now that's another battle. my heart cries to hold him again, to taste his kiss, to hold his hand, to hear his truck pull up in the driveway.

my mind remembers the destruction, the heartache, the tears. my heart remembers the destruction of our marriage, the heartache i feel knowing he is with another woman, the tears that flow endlessly. or so it seems.

i am afraid that i will never be able to let go. i ask you over and over again to help me forget, to help me to heal, but i know that all things come in your time, not mine. i don't want to be jealous of Her, she didn't take him away from me, i disposed of him by way of restraining order.

lord, i know that he and i should have never been. i wanted him, begged you for him. and i got him. i take full responsibility for the repercussions of my actions. i know that you are not punishing me, but hey, can we at least discuss the "i never give you more than you can handle" thing...i must boldly and loudly protest, i think you have crossed my line of too much!

if i am honest with you, he held a higher place in my life sometimes than you did. but you already knew that. life revolved around him, now it revolves around you helping me forget him! well, hey god, i am trying!

and while we're having this little heart to heart, i have to tell you that menopause, it sucks! i do believe that to a large degree the emotional havoc of this womanly state causes me to cry more, hurt more, be crazy in the head and heart more than i would be if i still had my estrogen.

but seriously god, i really need your help in letting go. forgiving him and forgiving myself. when all is said and done, i know you want the best for me and for my life. i am thankful that you protect me from myself and from my own weaknesses. i know that one day i will understand what you were doing through this period of my life.

and if not for the past 22 years, i would not be writing this blog right now. and who knows, maybe my pain, my experiences, my journey, my doubts, my fears, my tears...will be used to touch the life of someone who is just like me. and that makes it all worth it. so i guess god, i wouldn't have it any other way except yours........thank you for that.

march 3, 1998

the sound of silence fills the house as you sleep your sleep of escape. i am left alone with my screaming thoughts as they pierce the peace i so desperately seek. it eludes me now as the fear overtakes it and i find no solace in the quiet of being.

tidal waves of emotions crash upon my rocky soul; guilt, pain, shame, anger, disgust and hate, all tangled together until i no longer can separate them into distinct entities. no longer do they battle for dominance, they have danced this dance all to often. it is easier to meld into one twisted web that rules my heart.

i can feel the numbness cover me like a security blanket, protecting the frailty i carry within. i keep it in a secret place locked away where "I" still exist. it can easily be destroyed if the facade were to drop, even for an instant.

if you only knew how effortlessly you could penetrate the barricade that weakens and crumbles each time i am struck with the blare of rage from your eyes, the daggers from your mouth and the atomic destruction your hands facilitate.

nothing is sacred, nothing spared from the war that rages in you, through you, spilled out from you. i look for cover and find safety any place you are not. i must swallow my pride and cower at your feet begging mercy and leniency to end the rage for now.

i replay the scene over and over again to find where i went off course, where i disobeyed the order given, thereby setting off the short fuse that always seems to smolder. just waiting for a few drops of fuel to set it off. any trickle of humanness that flows from me is the combustible tonic that sparks the explosion.

no place is safe from you. no situation exempt. all that matters is the excuse for the tirade, always the fault of someone else. i pray to God to strike you dead, to make you suffer as you have caused our suffering, sweet justice for a lifetime of ugly pain you've dispensed on your children and me. but that would be wrong. justice is not for me dictate or to demand.

one day you will look for the comfort that i give and it will not be found. your self-destruction will have mushroomed out one time to many. a chill runs through my soul as i live for, yet dread that day. the day we are no longer together........

"frustration"

twisted innards
spin around a
knotted gut
and jumbled
brain,
mish mosh
floating everywhere,
tangled feelings
intertwined, wrapped
around the soul,
thoughts are tight,
never-ending turmoil,
never changing
rearranging
all confused,
what's the
use,
cannot sort if
out,
make it leave,
consumes the
very essence
of my being
turn it over
and over
again try
to melt away
the knots
of frustration.