april 16, 2009

dear god
why is it no matter what i do, what i think, i still come back around to crying over him? what is it about my character that causes me to hold on? i ache to understand why.

my brain understands the truth about him, about what we didn't have together, what time was wasted thinking life with him would ever be different. but my heart, now that's another battle. my heart cries to hold him again, to taste his kiss, to hold his hand, to hear his truck pull up in the driveway.

my mind remembers the destruction, the heartache, the tears. my heart remembers the destruction of our marriage, the heartache i feel knowing he is with another woman, the tears that flow endlessly. or so it seems.

i am afraid that i will never be able to let go. i ask you over and over again to help me forget, to help me to heal, but i know that all things come in your time, not mine. i don't want to be jealous of Her, she didn't take him away from me, i disposed of him by way of restraining order.

lord, i know that he and i should have never been. i wanted him, begged you for him. and i got him. i take full responsibility for the repercussions of my actions. i know that you are not punishing me, but hey, can we at least discuss the "i never give you more than you can handle" thing...i must boldly and loudly protest, i think you have crossed my line of too much!

if i am honest with you, he held a higher place in my life sometimes than you did. but you already knew that. life revolved around him, now it revolves around you helping me forget him! well, hey god, i am trying!

and while we're having this little heart to heart, i have to tell you that menopause, it sucks! i do believe that to a large degree the emotional havoc of this womanly state causes me to cry more, hurt more, be crazy in the head and heart more than i would be if i still had my estrogen.

but seriously god, i really need your help in letting go. forgiving him and forgiving myself. when all is said and done, i know you want the best for me and for my life. i am thankful that you protect me from myself and from my own weaknesses. i know that one day i will understand what you were doing through this period of my life.

and if not for the past 22 years, i would not be writing this blog right now. and who knows, maybe my pain, my experiences, my journey, my doubts, my fears, my tears...will be used to touch the life of someone who is just like me. and that makes it all worth it. so i guess god, i wouldn't have it any other way except yours........thank you for that.