catalyst

As October comes to a close, I want to share the close tie my breast cancer and freedom from my relationship have. It was 6 years ago this past March that I was diagnosed. It was detected very early and I already had made my decision as to how to proceed. April was the mastectomy and that August was some reconstruction. Not only had my physical body been altered, but so had my state of mind.


I always believed (and still do!) that everything happens for a reason, even if we never have a clue, so I was sure that having cancer was not just a random event in my life. I initially thought that it would change my husband; he would appreciate me enough to finally change those behaviors that were so damaging to us all, and especially him. I had it all played out in my mind, right down to the “happily ever after”. Boy, was I surprised when I realized that it was to change me and that my “happily ever after” ending would come, but not in any way, shape or form as I had imagined it would.

I value life and the days we are given. Cancer made it very clear to me that EVERY day is a gift, every healthy day an even bigger one. When all my treatments were completed and the dust settled, I knew that I could not live my life any longer the way it was, that violence and survival were no longer options. I wanted to enjoy whatever time I was given and LIVE. I wanted to feel again, and I did not want to be hurt or killed at the hand of someone I was married to. I made it clear to him that violence was no longer a tolerable option, and as long as there wasn’t any, I was content to stay.

It took me 2 years after that and several violent episodes, including one right after my mastectomy, to leave and leave for good. It was harder living with him than it was having breast cancer. Every time I say or write that, I cannot help but shake my head. My reformed thinking head that is! I say this with entire peace and sanity, I am so glad I had breast cancer! It forever changed my body, my mind and most of all my life. As I write this, I can say that so far the positive changes outweigh the negative ones.

We fear change, especially the life altering kind of change. But sometimes change is overdo, and needs a kick start. Change can come as a result of the strangest things, and we can never really know what will be a catalyst……