october is a great month for me, my birthday, breast cancer awareness month AND domestic violence awareness month. since my birthday has come and gone, i am excited to say that a lot of the pain of my old life has gone as well. the time for action has arrived. it's time to take my experiences, my skills, my dreams and my goals, roll them up into a game plan and get on with it! i have always believed that what i have gone through can be used to help others who are living with violence. i have been given much, and must now give much back.
i no longer consider myself a survivor, i am living life. i wake up in the morning knowing that the day belongs to me and i can handle whatever comes my way. i am blessed beyond words. i no longer have that wrenching pain, and i no longer cry for what wasn't. my life is what it is, and it is good. i have family and friends whom i love dearly and who love and support me. i have my health, shelter, food, clothing and a job. i have clarity in knowing what is right for me, and what i will never settle for again. i have faith in god who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, protected me all those years and released me when it was time.
the anger is gone as well. anger at myself for staying as long as i did and for subjecting my children to things i wish they never seen or heard. anger at him for not changing and for moving on with someone else. in it's place is peace. probably for the first time ever in my life i can say i am truly happy. yes, i have the day to day struggles, fears and worries that everyone has, but compared to what i have lived with in the past, this is so much easier. i am so proud of myself for making it to this point, it's almost 4 years already. i don't look back anymore in sadness, i just look back to remeber where i've come from so that i don't retrace those paths ever again.
now i want to reach out to those who hurt, who feel that they can never have a new life. those who live daily in fear, with a knot in their gut wondering is an explosion coming today. i want them to know that it isn't easy, but a new life is definitely attainable. there is help out there. you are not alone. it is scary to reach out for help, scary to change your life, scary to try and figure out what to do next....functioning in a dysfunctional relationship becomes what we know. living in fear of violence is much harder than living with the fear of the unknown.......you just need to take that first step. before you know it your running in a new direction.
i love october, many good things happen in this month. i love the fall and it's smells. the earth prepares for winter sleep and springs new birth. as the leaves fall and die, i am reminded that old lives can die too and that new ones are just a season away.
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