catalyst

As October comes to a close, I want to share the close tie my breast cancer and freedom from my relationship have. It was 6 years ago this past March that I was diagnosed. It was detected very early and I already had made my decision as to how to proceed. April was the mastectomy and that August was some reconstruction. Not only had my physical body been altered, but so had my state of mind.


I always believed (and still do!) that everything happens for a reason, even if we never have a clue, so I was sure that having cancer was not just a random event in my life. I initially thought that it would change my husband; he would appreciate me enough to finally change those behaviors that were so damaging to us all, and especially him. I had it all played out in my mind, right down to the “happily ever after”. Boy, was I surprised when I realized that it was to change me and that my “happily ever after” ending would come, but not in any way, shape or form as I had imagined it would.

I value life and the days we are given. Cancer made it very clear to me that EVERY day is a gift, every healthy day an even bigger one. When all my treatments were completed and the dust settled, I knew that I could not live my life any longer the way it was, that violence and survival were no longer options. I wanted to enjoy whatever time I was given and LIVE. I wanted to feel again, and I did not want to be hurt or killed at the hand of someone I was married to. I made it clear to him that violence was no longer a tolerable option, and as long as there wasn’t any, I was content to stay.

It took me 2 years after that and several violent episodes, including one right after my mastectomy, to leave and leave for good. It was harder living with him than it was having breast cancer. Every time I say or write that, I cannot help but shake my head. My reformed thinking head that is! I say this with entire peace and sanity, I am so glad I had breast cancer! It forever changed my body, my mind and most of all my life. As I write this, I can say that so far the positive changes outweigh the negative ones.

We fear change, especially the life altering kind of change. But sometimes change is overdo, and needs a kick start. Change can come as a result of the strangest things, and we can never really know what will be a catalyst……

just a season away........

october is a great month for me, my birthday, breast cancer awareness month AND domestic violence awareness month. since my birthday has come and gone, i am excited to say that a lot of the pain of my old life has gone as well. the time for action has arrived. it's time to take my experiences, my skills, my dreams and my goals, roll them up into a game plan and get on with it! i have always believed that what i have gone through can be used to help others who are living with violence. i have been given much, and must now give much back.

i no longer consider myself a survivor, i am living life. i wake up in the morning knowing that the day belongs to me and i can handle whatever comes my way. i am blessed beyond words. i no longer have that wrenching pain, and i no longer cry for what wasn't. my life is what it is, and it is good. i have family and friends whom i love dearly and who love and support me. i have my health, shelter, food, clothing and a job. i have clarity in knowing what is right for me, and what i will never settle for again. i have faith in god who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, protected me all those years and released me when it was time.

the anger is gone as well. anger at myself for staying as long as i did and for subjecting my children to things i wish they never seen or heard. anger at him for not changing and for moving on with someone else. in it's place is peace. probably for the first time ever in my life i can say i am truly happy. yes, i have the day to day struggles, fears and worries that everyone has, but compared to what i have lived with in the past, this is so much easier. i am so proud of myself for making it to this point, it's almost 4 years already. i don't look back anymore in sadness, i just look back to remeber where i've come from so that i don't retrace those paths ever again.

now i want to reach out to those who hurt, who feel that they can never have a new life. those who live daily in fear, with a knot in their gut wondering is an explosion coming today. i want them to know that it isn't easy, but a new life is definitely attainable. there is help out there. you are not alone. it is scary to reach out for help, scary to change your life, scary to try and figure out what to do next....functioning in a dysfunctional relationship becomes what we know. living in fear of violence is much harder than living with the fear of the unknown.......you just need to take that first step. before you know it your running in a new direction.

i love october, many good things happen in this month. i love the fall and it's smells. the earth prepares for winter sleep and springs new birth. as the leaves fall and die, i am reminded that old lives can die too and that new ones are just a season away.

apologies.....

i haven't written much in april and for those of you who follow this blog i want to say i am sorry. i started portrait of abuse to reach out to and for those who are hurting as a result of domestic violence. it is my hope in sharing my life, i will be able to encourage others.

i am no longer living with my abuser, but that does not mean my pain or my struggles came to an immediate end. but i have to confess, i had expected them to. i am not sure why, but i felt that i should have been over my life with him as soon as we no longer lived under the same roof.

at times the emotional pain would be excruciating and i thought i wanted to crawl in a deep, dark hole and die. what emotional pain you ask? oddly enough, the "pain" of not being with him! crazy i know! my head is able to comprehend every character trait he possesses that is reason enough to not be with him, not counting his alcoholism nor his abuse. but what the hell is wrong with my heart!

it's not like we even had a good relationship in between all of the crap! we didn't share anything, not even a bed for 6 years. he wanted us to be quiet, leave him alone but make him feel loved. he wanted his tv, computer and naps. he couldn't help around the house, but could go to his jujitsu classes and wrestle with men for hours!

there were days i would beg God to take the pain away, or fix the problems of him and our marriage so we could get back together and live happily ever after! and i hung on. and i stayed angry. and i harbored jealousy. and i fed my dysfunction. and i played the martyr.

He was with someone. He broke our marriage bond. He hurt our family. He, He, He. i was still giving him the power over my life and my emotions.

until friday. I finally did the thing I was dreading the most. I called Ocean/Monmouth Legal Services to set up an appointment with one of the attorneys to begin divorce proceedings! and all of a sudden I felt the strangest sensation. I felt happy. I felt hopeful. I was excited for what My future will bring without any ties, legal or otherwise to him.

the way I felt was different than the other times I thought I had finally gotten "over" him. it was like something inside of Me finally SNAPPED! I reached the point of letting go. I finally get it! what the hell does he have that I could possibly want or miss. i wouldn't pick someone like him to date ever!

it was as easy as that. I decided to finally give it ALL over to God and trust Him for whatever He has in store for My life. from here on in it can only get better and better. in letting go of the life I so wanted, I have freed myself to accept the life that is waiting for Me. and that life can and will exceed any expectations I could possibly have. for Me, the key is to allow God to bring Me to it and through it.

so does this mean I will never again feel pain, loss, or have thoughts of him. absolutely not! but it does mean that I will no longer be lost in them or controlled by them. the healing process will continue. and so will I. it is so true that unless you allow one door to close, the next will not open. I am so ready to see what is waiting for Me, hand on the knob, here I go............

rejected

"Spend time with
me"
she begs
every shred
of self-respect
gone,
grovels at
his feet
he calls
the shots
and makes her stay
there on
her knees
a little more
while his
ego swells
and he
decides that
today she is
not worthy
of his sacred
conversation
so he walks
away
laughing inside
“What a fool
she is.”
so she crawls
her retreat
to the bedroom
sanctuary
to lick her
wounds
and pretend
she doesn’t
care.

this tantrum again

you seethe trouble like sweat
suck me in until
I am screaming hurt
see you erupt
messup
smash and throw
it out of you
I face the madness
shake it away
swear and cry
never again…..

april 16, 2009

dear god
why is it no matter what i do, what i think, i still come back around to crying over him? what is it about my character that causes me to hold on? i ache to understand why.

my brain understands the truth about him, about what we didn't have together, what time was wasted thinking life with him would ever be different. but my heart, now that's another battle. my heart cries to hold him again, to taste his kiss, to hold his hand, to hear his truck pull up in the driveway.

my mind remembers the destruction, the heartache, the tears. my heart remembers the destruction of our marriage, the heartache i feel knowing he is with another woman, the tears that flow endlessly. or so it seems.

i am afraid that i will never be able to let go. i ask you over and over again to help me forget, to help me to heal, but i know that all things come in your time, not mine. i don't want to be jealous of Her, she didn't take him away from me, i disposed of him by way of restraining order.

lord, i know that he and i should have never been. i wanted him, begged you for him. and i got him. i take full responsibility for the repercussions of my actions. i know that you are not punishing me, but hey, can we at least discuss the "i never give you more than you can handle" thing...i must boldly and loudly protest, i think you have crossed my line of too much!

if i am honest with you, he held a higher place in my life sometimes than you did. but you already knew that. life revolved around him, now it revolves around you helping me forget him! well, hey god, i am trying!

and while we're having this little heart to heart, i have to tell you that menopause, it sucks! i do believe that to a large degree the emotional havoc of this womanly state causes me to cry more, hurt more, be crazy in the head and heart more than i would be if i still had my estrogen.

but seriously god, i really need your help in letting go. forgiving him and forgiving myself. when all is said and done, i know you want the best for me and for my life. i am thankful that you protect me from myself and from my own weaknesses. i know that one day i will understand what you were doing through this period of my life.

and if not for the past 22 years, i would not be writing this blog right now. and who knows, maybe my pain, my experiences, my journey, my doubts, my fears, my tears...will be used to touch the life of someone who is just like me. and that makes it all worth it. so i guess god, i wouldn't have it any other way except yours........thank you for that.

march 3, 1998

the sound of silence fills the house as you sleep your sleep of escape. i am left alone with my screaming thoughts as they pierce the peace i so desperately seek. it eludes me now as the fear overtakes it and i find no solace in the quiet of being.

tidal waves of emotions crash upon my rocky soul; guilt, pain, shame, anger, disgust and hate, all tangled together until i no longer can separate them into distinct entities. no longer do they battle for dominance, they have danced this dance all to often. it is easier to meld into one twisted web that rules my heart.

i can feel the numbness cover me like a security blanket, protecting the frailty i carry within. i keep it in a secret place locked away where "I" still exist. it can easily be destroyed if the facade were to drop, even for an instant.

if you only knew how effortlessly you could penetrate the barricade that weakens and crumbles each time i am struck with the blare of rage from your eyes, the daggers from your mouth and the atomic destruction your hands facilitate.

nothing is sacred, nothing spared from the war that rages in you, through you, spilled out from you. i look for cover and find safety any place you are not. i must swallow my pride and cower at your feet begging mercy and leniency to end the rage for now.

i replay the scene over and over again to find where i went off course, where i disobeyed the order given, thereby setting off the short fuse that always seems to smolder. just waiting for a few drops of fuel to set it off. any trickle of humanness that flows from me is the combustible tonic that sparks the explosion.

no place is safe from you. no situation exempt. all that matters is the excuse for the tirade, always the fault of someone else. i pray to God to strike you dead, to make you suffer as you have caused our suffering, sweet justice for a lifetime of ugly pain you've dispensed on your children and me. but that would be wrong. justice is not for me dictate or to demand.

one day you will look for the comfort that i give and it will not be found. your self-destruction will have mushroomed out one time to many. a chill runs through my soul as i live for, yet dread that day. the day we are no longer together........